Sometimes things just don't work out the way you want them to. It's just one of those things. However, it doesn't mean that you are precluded from being extraordinarily pissed by that turn of events. It is this conception that strikes me as appropriate right now.
My fist semester in law school was eye opening, to say the least. I worked harder than I have ever worked in school before and went into finals scared, but confident that I would be fine. I knew I would come out of it at least in the median of my class. I'd been talking to these people for the better part of 4 months and after hearing some of the questions and comments produced in class believed that I was at least as smart as if not smarter than many of them. Unfortunately, if grades are an indication of intelligence, I found that I was well below my peers. Not even close. Epic fail. I sulked about it and was angry and eventually came to accept that I totally screwed up a semester of school. I thought about it, talked to some very powerful and wealthy attorneys I know and found that several of them had pretty bad grades in school too. "Grades aren't everything, you'll be fine." was the resounding refrain from everybody. I took it to heart and moved forward attacking the new semester with tenacity and the belief that I should learn from my mistakes of first semester and grow from them.
My second semester here I busted my ass. I read for every class, I showed up to every class and did my damned best to learn the material, understand it, and prove to myself that I am intelligent, that I do deserve to be in law school and that I can get the satisfaction of receiving a good grade to acknowledge the amount of effort I'd put into my work. Once again, things didn't quite work out the way I wanted. My grades improved, but still left me below the median for my class. Essentially, I'm 2 semesters into law school out of 6 and my grades are just shit. I have officially solidified myself in the bottom quarter of my class and pending a miracle, will remain here for the rest of my law school career.
I was pondering this thought as I walked to campus today to turn in some paperwork, and found myself drifting towards an apathetic notion of my stay here at school. As I stared at the cracks in the sidewalk pass beneath my feet with each step, my thoughts finally began to gel. It has been a hell of a year for me. I endeavored to attack law school with fervor and resolution while maintaining a strong relationship with my girlfriend who would not be moving up here to be with me at school. It's just about a year after I left and my girlfriend and I broke up, I feel a disdain and apathy to the entire law school process and really am not even sure if I want to be an attorney anymore. Although I have a decent stable of acquaintances here I really have made few good friends. It's been hard. Very hard. I feel that I'm a stronger person for it and I can't say I regret my decision to come here and give law school a shot. Now that I'm in the thick of it I refuse to quit, it's simply not an option.
As I walked home I took a moment to look up and happened to see a hippy bumper sticker that I've seen at least a hundred times before. On a simple white background was a sentence in plain black text, "Not all who wander are lost". I've always thought that phrase is kind of interesting because in my mind aren't we all wandering through life? I mean, even those who have a plan for where they want to end up and how they are going to get there end up taking the occasional detour. Nobody knows what tomorrow will bring and that inevitable curve ball will hit some day and push you from your track. Thus, a small epiphany struck me. Maybe part of why I am approaching my situation with an undertone of apathy is that I haven't had a chance to wander. I really really want to wander. I never got to study abroad because I was with my girlfriend. I never got to take a big trip after undergrad because I was struggling to decide if I wanted to go to law school. Now that I'm here I can't just stop and walk away for a year or two of carefree traveling because I'm in debt for $30,000 that becomes due as soon as I stop being a full time student and I have no money as it is. I guess I don't know what the right answer is to provide some resolution to this situation, but at least now I know that it is something I should address.
Walking home I was still deep in thought and not particularly paying attention to my surroundings. As I meandered through the streets of Eugene I suddenly saw a bright green blur fly in front of my face and smash into the side of a parked car. I was startled but when I looked again I realized that the green blur was a balloon that had drifted in front of me. I couldn't help but think to myself, "Shit, some idiot let their balloon go a couple days ago and it finally fell here. I guess I'll pick it up and throw it away". Upon closer examination the balloon was completely inflated and tied to a weight. It had obviously been filled today or very recently and somehow ended up crossing my path. It just seemed like there may be more to this than I originally thought so I grabbed the string and untangled it from the thicket that it had gotten caught in and brought it home with me. I don't know what this balloon means or if it is supposed to mean anything at all, but it seemed appropriate after contemplating my desire to wander that an errant balloon would casually float in front of me. I'm not sure why, but it kind of makes me feel better to have it around...
